On Curiosity
Jennifer Griffin, Aug 2020
But what if I am able to develop a curiosity about myself, about people, about the world? A curiosity just wants to observe and understand my thoughts, feelings, needs, desires, beliefs, values, worldview. But also wants to observe and understand people, their circumstances, their motivations, their communications, their desires, their beliefs, their worldviews. I used to think that curiosity was a fairly standard aspect of who I am as a person. I’d like to think I am curious, I think about myself, I reflect, I contemplate, I learn, I ask questions, to myself, to others, to the world. I am curious. But when I look deeper into this curiosity it’s almost always tinged with judgement, with evaluation, with prejudice, with morality, and most importantly with purpose. “Painting sounds interesting, I will do it today after work. Hopefully I am good at it”. “I wonder how my life would turn out if I decide not to have kids. But wouldn’t my parents think of me as a disappointment?”. “That’s a pretty cool shirt, but would I look too flamboyant if I wear it?” “I would like to introduce myself to my neighbour. But he seems weird, forget it”. “I’d like to read the communist manifesto. Maybe my friends and classmates will think I’m a stud if I talk to them about marxism”. These are all simplistic instances, but in each of them my curiosity about something or someone is followed immediately either by a value judgement of goodness or disappointment, a prejudice, or a purpose. There’s nothing inherently wrong about this. We all make judgements about ourselves, our choices, or people, the world, through the lens of our human body. But once my curiosity has a qualifier, it necessarily becomes restricted. I’m telling myself that if I am drawn towards something, then I must be immediately competent or good at it in order to justify my interest and time towards it. If I wish to explore an idea or a subject or a way of living, then everyone must be okay with it, and validate it. If I wish to interact with someone, then the way they look or the way they act, must be within my comfort zone of who I find acceptable. What I am essentially telling myself is that curiosity for the sake of curiosity isn’t enough.
Coming back to finding something that will help me onto the path towards happiness or fulfilment; my curiosity is once more limited if I ask myself, what can I do to put myself on the path towards fulfilment. My curiosity becomes limited, because I am only looking to find something that will lead to fulfilment. So my curiosity is then structured by the images and ideas and thoughts that I have about what I might find fulfilling or happiness inducing. Instead of exploring myself and the world simply for the sake of exploration, I explore cautiously. I explore timidly. I explore, but bound by the invisible chains of culture, norms, expectations, timelines, fears- fucking fears of lagging behind, of failure, of looking stupid, of seeming aimless, of not fitting in.
But what if I follow my curiosity non-judgementally, aimlessly, in an open-ended manner without requiring an answer or an outcome. Curiosity simply and gradually to enrich my understanding, or my awareness of all the voices within me, the empathy, the humour, the love, the fun, the excitement, the silliness, the child but also the shame, the immorality, the sadness, the anger, the boredom, the inadequacy, the shadow.
I don’t say that this curiosity will directly put me on the path towards fulfilment, happiness, or contentment. I’m saying that just exploring the intricacies and these details of my lived experience, is itself a process worth my time and attention. And somewhere through this process, I might happen upon parts of my vast self that I may want to give more expression to. And the more parts of myself that are expressed, the more experiences I open myself up to. And somewhere among those experiences, I’m sure, somewhere will be an experience of fulfilment, of happiness, of contentment. Somewhere. And for some amount of time. This is important. Fulfilment and happiness are not perpetual states or feelings that can be sustained forever.
